“Remember, I’m doing something.”

In the midst of the turmoil, that’s what the Lord said to me. He said this at the beginning of His demolition work. Saying it again was just to remind me. I was in pain. More pain was coming. I had to trust Him.

He was doing something all right. It was late January, 2010.

The phone call I made that day was to a counselor. A Christian counselor. He came highly recommended. His office was 120 miles away from where I lived. I was desperate. I didn’t care.

I was broken. In places I didn’t even realize.

I went into counseling because I needed help processing my grief over losing my grandmother and Jennifer and my sister. What I didn’t realize was that there was a lot more grief packed up, stored up and backed up in my heart, mind and soul.

All this grief had staged itself as a backdrop to my life and manifested itself as depression. I had struggled with it my whole life. The darkness was deeper at times but I had learned to live with it. To cope with it.

The darkness that always followed me started with a loss, one that had taken place a long time ago. And these fresh losses plunged me farther into darkness and exposed old wounds.

Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

Well it was. But the Lord used this dark time to do some much needed repair work, some long-overdue surgery. He need to transform the ruins of my life. Ruined was a condition that I had come to accept as normal.

Jesus knew it wasn’t normal for one of His to live a downcast life. He needed to do some work. And He needed me to sit still so He could do it.

All of these losses forced me to sit still. And to get help from someone He would use to rebuild what had been broken for such a very long time. I thank God for the Christian counselor I was able to see. He was loving but firm. I had to change if life was going to change. And that meant I was going to have to learn and relearn how to do life.

I had to address feelings that I didn’t think were a problem for me. I was wrong. Anger. Abandonment. Loneliness. Fear. Insecurity. They all kept me from having the relationships I wanted. The ministry I wanted. The life I wanted.

I had to learn to ask for help. To learn what safe people were and how to be a safe person. To be vulnerable. To be transparent. To let go of being in control. To resign as General Manager of the Universe. To breathe. To give live. To receive love.

I met with my counselor for 6 months. Counseling was hard. But it was worth it. Because at the end of it all, I was transformed….and I was ready for the work the Lord wanted to do next…

Sounds great, doesn’t it? Well, it was…and it is…

Ever had a season where the Lord broke you down to build you back up? How did it go for you?

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